


Happy Birthday, Sirius.

by remusroses



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: ;), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Peter is the traitor, Sirius birthday throughout the years, The Black family are bitches, Voldemort gets defeated, at what price tho, birthday boy Sirius Black, tw: mention of abuse (very little), whats new, wizarding war 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remusroses/pseuds/remusroses
Summary: Sirius Blacks birthdays throughout the years, from baby cheeks to icy fingertips.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 23





	Happy Birthday, Sirius.

**Author's Note:**

> Posted this on tumblr in honour of our favourite dogs birthday on November 3rd and havent gotten around to posting here too until now. Hope you enjoy :)

It was the first birthday wish that Sirius remembered, no matter how old he got and to how many birthdays he looked back.

He had only been three or four, possibly, and he didn’t remember much of the surroundings. He remembered Regulus‘ small voice, high and more than a bit tired. With barely any vocabulary.

Back then, they had still shared a room, up on the highest floor. Probably because it was easier for the maids to look after both of them at the same time.

He remembered the pale, still quite chubby cheeks of his younger brother, who’d crawled into his bed at point midnight, and held his sticky palm to Sirius‘ cheek.

Happy birthday wishes wouldn’t be awaiting him in the morning, and maybe Regulus had a feeling of it, even though he couldn’t have known, or understood.

”Got you present“, he’d added and pulled out a crumpled napkin, revealing a smooth, small pebble.

”Thanks, Reggie.“ He knew he had said that. He’d always thanked Regulus for showing affection. Maybe because he was so deprived of it. Back then he hadn’t known that, of course. They were both too small to understand then. Anything, really.

”Here’s what you get for your birthday, think about it and maybe start being less ungrateful“, mother hissed and pushed him inside the room. They were facing each other, and Sirius felt his chest rising and sinking rapidly.

”Sod off“, he said.

The sting on his cheek kept ebbing down as he turned and his back slid down the long closed and locked door. He eyed the plate of liver next to him, rolling his eyes and then closing them. He felt tired, and he knew that he didn’t want to remember his eleventh birthday like this. And that he probably still would.

After a few hours, he started counting the spider webs. It was a small, steep room that smelled like cleaning utensils, and there was no light, but it hadn’t gotten dark yet and there was light trickling in through the floor and over the door.

He lied on his back, wondering how his next birthday would look. If he would have any friends. It wasn’t a pretty thought, his only friends would probably end up being his annoying cousins. If he ended up in Slytherin, anyway. He doubted he’d have any friends at all if he didn’t.

When it got dark, he lied down on his back and put his legs up against the door. He wriggled his toes, they were cold.

The liver had started to smell even more gross than in its well cooked state, and he pushed it into the farthest corner possible. He’d be damned if he ate that.

When he thought about sleeping a little, there was a small knock on the door.

”Do you have the keys?“

Sirius knew mother or father wouldn’t have knocked. It had to be Regulus.

”No, sorry.“ His voice still sounded small and tired. Sirius wondered when he’d be at the point of having the key and deciding to let him stay locked. Probably earlier than both of them wanted it to be.

Without any more words, there was a bit of wrinkling and something came sliding from under the door. It was a wrapped sandwich.

”It’s a bit squished. Didn’t fit otherwise“, Regulus said quietly, and Sirius was sitting up now, his palm touching the door. Somehow, he knew that his brother was mirroring his position, and there was a moment of heavy silence. Sirius was sure he could hear Regulus breathing.

”Thank you“, he whispered. His fingernails scraped at the old wood. Ancient.

”Happy birthday, Sirius.“

-

His twelfth birthday, he didn’t even get a letter. After a tirade of howlers and some sort of hate mail throughout the first month of being at Hogwarts, there was a great, big nothing.

He told no one it was his birthday. Not even James Potter, who was one of his dorm mates and who he got pretty well along with, or the other two in the dorm with them. A small, nagging part of him whispered that by telling them he could maybe get a birthday that he’d never had, someone being happy for him. To forget the old ones and remember the new.

The whole day, he felt the weight of the small pebble in his pocket. The sticky hand, and the small voice.

He didn’t say anything.

He’d rather died than forgotten.

Sirius didn’t go to dinner. Instead, he went up the Astronomy tower and looked at the stars. Funnily enough, they were showing effortlessly, sparkling in all their beauty. His family had never appreciated the beauty of them, only the power they held.

When he came back, the other boys were sleeping already, curtains drawn close and James‘ snore sounding softly. Sirius had been starting to appreciate the regularity of it, over the weeks. It was something he didn’t admit to himself he’d never had but needed.

When he pulled his curtain open, he froze. There was a small piece of parchment sat neatly in front of his pillow, softly on the bedding. He took it and something fell off it he hadn’t seen in the darkness.

”Happy birthday, Sirius. Your roommate Remus“, it read.

He took the small rectangular from the bed, looking at it. It was a very small chocolate bar, with silver wrapping. He didn’t know it, so it must have been a muggle brand or something like that. It fit neatly into his palm as he closed his hand around it. Funnily, it was very similar in size to the pebble.

Sirius took both the card and the chocolate and carefully put them in his nightstand, then Lied down.

How Remus had known, he couldn’t figure out. Why he hadn’t told the others, he didn’t know either, but he was thankful for it nevertheless. It showed that he respected this decision.

Did Remus have a thing or two he wasn’t saying either? He was always so quiet. There was much to think about, and before he knew it, he’d fallen asleep and woken up on a perfectly normal day. Without thinking of his family once more.

-

”Happy birthday.“

It was mumbled shortly, and Regulus would barely look at him, and before he knew what was happening their cousins came around the corner and dragged Regulus away. Away from him.

”Reggie, wait!“, he yelled, and wanted to go after them, but his brother didn’t even turn around. He just looked down, and left Sirius standing there like an idiot. He probably was one, by assuming having Regulus at Hogwarts would make it easier, easier to talk to him, to be close to him.

Instead, he felt like they hadn’t been this far apart in all of the years they had been brothers. Maybe they had started falling apart from the moment they were first united, a bit more with every year of existing in the family they did, each year adding more weight to fragile shoulders.

Sticky hands turning into cold ones.

When he got back to the dorm, it was dark.

Lit up by a flick of a wand and a choir of three yelling ”Happy birthday!!!“

There was a very messy, very chocolate-y cake on the floor, his three friends sitting around it in a half circle, big smiles on their faces. Well, a guilty one on Peters (there was clearly a piece of cake missing), one a little shy on Remus‘ (he was still a little timid after they had found out about him) and a huge, self satisfied one on James‘s.

”Happy birthday, idiot. You were gone so long, we thought you’d never show up“, James started chatting away, cutting the cake and handing out pieces as soon as Sirius had sat down.

”Oh“, Sirius mumbled, swallowing. He felt the wait of the pebble in his pocket. ”I was just, you know. Family.“

James hesitated shortly, then nodded and went on. Sirius was grateful for it.

It was funny, in a way. Peter was knocked out after having two more pieces of the truly adventurously heavy cake, which came to no surprise, and excused himself to sleep.

Remus had eaten quite a lot of cake himself and fell into some sort of sugar rush, or maybe he really thought Sirius‘ jokes were extremely funny, like James, who was laughing his arse off, of course.

”Wait, you have something there-“ Remus grinned, reaching out for Sirius‘ cheek. He was frozen for a moment, looking into Remus‘ eyes and having a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. One moment too long, because Remus smeared a long line of chocolate cake right in his face.

James laughed loudly at Sirius‘ scream.

”Ew!! That’s disgusting Re!“

Who still had the audacity to grin.

”Hm. It suits you.“ Sirius rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help a small smile. ”Everything suits me.“ ”That ego doesn’t, Black“, James grinned, leaning back and lying on his back.

”So, we’ll do this next year too, right?“

-

They did.

In third year, Sirius found a note on his bed. It was from Regulus wishing him a happy birthday. He didn’t even say it out loud, their eyes didn’t even meet when they walked past each other in the hallway.

It was a sort of coincidence he was there when Sirius came to the astronomy tower before going to the dorm.

”What are you doing here?“, he asked, and Regulus just shrugged. He was looking up into the sky, shoulders sagged instead of stiff, posture completely different than to how he walked around in school.

”The stars are always bright on your birthday.“

”That’s just how great I am.“

Regulus barely smiled, but he turned his head when Sirius sat down, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

”You should make new friends, Reggie.“

Regulus huffed out a breath. ”It’s not as easy as you make it seem, Sirius. I don‘t have anyone getting me chocolate cake on my birthday and yelling my name at Quidditch games. So don’t act like it’s just a thing to do. I’m alone.“

There was a heavy moment of silence. ”Because you left me“, was the thing that Regulus didn’t say but wanted to. Sirius knew he did.

”And I’m not?“, he whispered, looking into the sky.

It was all a matter of perspective. Sirius would go back to the dorm, awaited by laughter and chocolate cake, and Regulus would go back to his own dorm, and the family. In which he was accepted and nodded upon, while Sirius received shaking heads and bruising grips. The sound of a lock turning and leaving him all alone.

”I should go. Thank you for your note“, he said, swallowing around the lump in his throat, and stood up and left.

When Sirius had long gone to bed, lied down and staring up at the ceiling, haunted by Regulus‘ tired eyes, he felt tired too. And empty. While his friends knew to cheer him up, their laughter was only temporary, and so was his.

His curtain shuffled open, and Remus stood before him. „Can I?“, he asked quietly, and Sirius nodded dumbly because he didn’t know what else to do.

Remus lied down next to him, and breathed evenly before turning his head to face him.

”You know, Sirius, I wonder if we would’ve been friends if you hadn’t been in Gryffindor.“

Sirius wanted to chuckle and say yes Moony, of course, there’s plenty of people from different houses that are friends.

He smiled. ”Probably not.“ And Remus nodded like he had expected the answer. ”Are you glad you’re here?“

He didn’t answer, and then closed his eyes for a moment, until a finger poked in his cheek.

”Moony, your hand is all sticky“, he laughed quietly, opening his eyes. Remus blushed.

”Oh, sorry. I just ate some chocolate.“

Sirius laughed again, biting his lip to hold it back at Remus‘ embarrassment.

”I’m very glad, yes“, he then whispered, and their eyes met for a moment in which Sirius realised that he really was. Glad. Remus smiled and poked him again until his face felt sticky with sugar and sweetness, and he pulled a face.

”That’s gross.“ ”Whatever you say.“

Cold hands that turned into sticky ones. Sirius wanted them to stay.

Right in this spot, forever.

-

On his sixteenth birthday, Sirius got drunk for the first time.

He hadn’t gotten a note from Regulus at all, and his day had been awful to say the least.

He was frustrated.

His feelings for Remus were getting harder and harder to keep under control, while he himself got harder and harder every time Remus came out of the shower in only a towel hanging low on his hips. He was loving the confidence, and hating the reoccurring boners he was desperately hiding.

James had caught on and kept pestering him about doing something. He didn’t know if he could.

He went up to the Astronomy tower only to find it empty. He still sat down, maybe in hopes of Regulus turning up, maybe to look at the stars.

It was cloudy.

Then, in the dorm, James had brought out this illegally acquired bottle of firewhisky and they’d got to work.

It had become a reoccurring thing for Remus to climb into his bed at night. Maybe he was having nightmares, and maybe he knew that Sirius was having them.

”I’m feeling a little sick“, he hummed that night, and closed his eyes smiling.

”I swear if you puke in this bed, Moony-“

”Sick of pretending, Pads.“

They both froze, and Remus‘ eyes flew open.

”Pretending what, Remus?“

The silence stretched, until Remus reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind Sirius‘ ear.

”That I don’t want to kiss you.“

And sirius grinned, widely, and scooted over to press his forehead into Remus‘ shoulder to laugh, freely.

”I want to kiss you too, Moony. I would love to.“

Their foreheads bumped together and the alcohol made them gloriously uncoordinated, so much so that they missed each other’s mouths a couple of times before they collided.

In that moment, Sirius didn’t mind that he hadn’t been able to see the stars that night, because he was definitely seeing them right then and there, and his brightest one was not a centimetre away, giggling breathlessly and looking absolutely wonderful.

Remus didn’t go back into his own bed that night. Instead, they fell asleep, snuggled close together, warm and actually, deeply, happy.

-

Sirius could barely remember the birthdays following that. He left Grimmauld Place on Christmas fifth year, and he didn’t come back.

He did look back, however.

At Regulus standing at his window, and looking down.

He had held the pebble in his hand, and Regulus had turned and gone, just like him. In a different direction.

On his nineteenth birthday, after everyone had left after cake, he stood with Remus on their narrow little balcony and watched the stars. He had his arms around the other boy, because that was what they still felt like, even though they were expected to be something different, something _more_.

He pushed his cheek into Remus‘ hair and breathed in the scent of the cheap shampoo he refused to give up, and he cried. With Remus, it always seemed so easy to cry, to let go. It still didn’t lift any of the weight off his shoulders.

”I love you, Re.“ Remus‘ arms tightened around him. ”I love you too, Pads.“ His voice sounded tired, but sincere, always sincere.

They listened to the fireworks. Except that they weren’t fireworks. The sky was clear, and Sirius‘ heart got more clouded every day.

-

On his twentieth birthday, the world seemed quiet. Quiet of the fireworks, and quiet of the grunting and laughing of one of their best friends, missing in their middle.

Harrys laugh was bubbling, but they couldn’t believe that they were able to laugh with him.

Because it was over.

Once and for all.

”We’ve had help. He won’t return.“

Dumbledore had told them, but they still hadn’t completely gotten their heads wrapped around it.

Sirius had killed Peter. And Voldemort was gone. Apparently, for ever ever.

”I will make us some tea“, Remus murmured into his cheek, kissing it firmly after the Potters had left.

”And a shot?“, he smiled, and Remus chuckled. ”And a shot.“

While Remus went into the kitchen, Sirius looked after him for a moment.

Now that there was no looming threat, no visible danger, no… everything, it all felt a little dizzy. Because there was one thing they now had. Time. And what one could do with that.

Sirius had endless ideas of what to do with that much time.

There were birthdays ahead of him, his, and Moonys, and James‘… of all the people he loved that he still had left. He pressed his lips together. Soon, instead the pebble, there would be a little box in his pocket as a heavy weight, waiting to be brought out.

That day wasn’t the time.

Instead, he drank his tea and his shot, and he took Remus‘ hand and apparated.

The field looked cold, with dark red leaves blowing over the stones and ground.

Remus stayed back, wrapping his coat around him closer and nuzzling his chin into his scarf.

Sirius stepped closer.

”Regulus Arcturus Black.“

It was carved into the stone neatly.

”Helped in the defeat of the Dark Lord.“

Right under it.

Sirius kneeled, swallowing and placing his palm against the cold stone.

He imagined Regulus on the other side, like he had been on the other side of the door so many times, could almost feel it. His nails scraped over the stone slightly.

Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at the pebble in his hand, and up again at his estranged brothers name. Who had done many wrong things, forced into a system that he had learned to hate, grown to fight.

”Happy birthday, Sirius“, he whispered.

He pressed the pebble against the stone, watching it slowly dissolve into it.

Then, he stood up and brushed over the top of the stone, feeling like his weight had been lifted, even if just a little. Step by step.

He took a step back, and let out a breath.

”Thank you“, he whispered.

Turning around, Remus was waiting for him. His future. Warm, firm hands closing around his own.

He didn’t look back.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this, make sure to leave Kudos, and I'm always happy about a comment <3
> 
> For more, feel free to follow my Tumblr (remusroses) and check it out! See you for the next one :)


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